softly being hit on the head :-)

After finishing the recent painting “Listen with the ear of your heart “been thinking what “listen” really means. And even though meditating seems very nice and peaceful, still I am often wondering if I am doing what God wants me to do or how much of is ego based and selfish. It’s been a whirlwind of conflicts lately, wishes clashing with reality, “selfish” needs for solitude (to paint and think) clashing with the need so serve others, and ultimately really just wishing it all away and to get enlightened 🙂 But isn’t even pursuing enlightenment actually quite selfish and also a bit of an escape rather than facing reality? (Apart from the fact that we already are enlightened and just don’t know, which makes it even more frustrating and paradox).

A friend of mine suggested to write it all in a prayer. “Ask and ye shall receive“. But I could feel my resistance to even bother Him with all the details of my “self induced misery”, and all I really wanted was enlightenment, right? Doesn’t he already know? He probably has told me many times before and I obviously didn’t LISTEN. I should be able to get it together on my own, and with all the problems in the world doesn’t He has worse cases to attend to? Anyway, I kept writing despite the doubts and the negative voices in my head…

The next day a dear friend alerted me to watch the film, “The Shift”, and it was as if God was answering my prayer…. (the film has since been removed from youtube, and the only snippet I can find now is the one that I had written out below, when I first saw the whole movie :-))

As Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about his personal experience of “the shift” (from ambition to meaning, or  as he calls it, the change of attitude from the morning of life to the afternoon of life) and how it effected him,  and the guy who interviews him, and still being pretty skeptical, asks,

“It sounds like more sitting around until some sort of epiphany comes to you?”

“It’s not about waiting around, you know. In the Tao, one of the great lessons is that it teaches us how to be soft, how to be flexible, how to not be always in control. One of the great teachings of the Tao says that, “let yourself be lived by it.”

“But you didn’t do anything.”

“That’s the whole point. That’s the place you want to get to, where you just allow it. In the recovery movement its called – letting go and letting God, allowing this source, that is always flowing thru each and every one of us, to do and perform its magic. And that magic will always work in our best interest if we just surrender to it. If we could just stop interfering in your own life and just let yourself be done, if you can get to that place nothing will be left undone. Everything that you need will be there for you…. “

…and it just hit me softly on the head how I’ve been acting like a little spoiled child, “If i don’t get what i want i don’t want anything else either!” and “I don’t need any help, I can do it all by myself!” 🙂 That wasn’t even passive, it is aggressive, stubborn, refusing what is, sabotaging what could be. It has nothing to do with surrender, it’s not even close. Why is it so easy for me to ask and pray for others needs and cannot seem to ask for help with my own. And wasn’t even the Buddha saying, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

And only this one time I prayed for my self… and cried! And even writing this I am crying again… because it is so beautiful to let myself fall into the arms of God. NOW! E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is God flowing thru us. What does the reed flute bother about the qualities of the wind? All it has to do is be empty, receptive and accepting of whatever God blows into it. He just keeps on giving His gifts without worrying what we will do with them or how high we can carry them. All I have to do is stop judging His gifts for those that I deem worthy and get my ego out of the way.

And in the film Dr. Dyer continues…

One of the things that happen when you move away from ego is that you move from a sense of entitlement to a sense of humility. You realize that you are entitled to nothing, that’s just the ego speaking.

So the fundamental truth is that you must be like what you came from. You came from divinity, you must be divine. If you hold you hands up and say, “These are the hands of God” then what does God do with His hands? God is just giving thats what God knows how to do.
So you shift your thoughts from what can i get to how can i offer, how may i serve. If your attention is off yourself and about giving the universe will respond by giving back to you. The universe may say, How may i serve you? But you have to be in a place of service yourself. That’s when the transition is complete. When you move into that place that is without ego.”
…
You begin to live in process, trusting where your thoughts have taken you. You begin to detach from the outcome. And that detachment allows you to no longer be fight things, it allows things to just come to you. And you no longer be the person who makes things happen, you allowing them to show up. The fight is gone.”

Well, I am obviously still a long way to go, but hopefully this lesson will stay with me for a while.
End of ramble.
Letting it go…